King Arthur — Fanstuff

King Arthur in Fifteen Minutes

© 2004 Cleolinda Jones, 2004-07-14 19:50:00

Disclaimer and actual opinion: I had a lot of fun watching this one, and it was a perfect “Fifteen Minutes” movie—just good enough to bother parodying, and just over-serious enough to deserve it. I also tried to have more fun writing this one and got a little more loose with it, so all complaints that this or that was left out will be ignored.

P.S. I’m leaving this unlocked for a couple of days so people can read it and figure out how to join the community. Then it’s going under members-only like the others.

P.P.S. I have never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You'll have to supply Python quotes for yourself.



Very Serious Text That Would Never, Ever Lie to You

VERY SERIOUS TEXT: Recent historical evidence suggests that Arthur was actually some Roman guy named Arturius. This, therefore, is a completely historically accurate movie, because God knows you can count on a Bruckheimer flick for your history lessons.


Mystical Voiceover

LANCELOT: So, back in the day there were these Sarmatians, and they got their asses kicked but the Romans respected the fact that they were tough bastards, so they let them live, only they had to be knights, and their sons, and their sons, and they all got their asses kicked and reincarnated into warrior horses and shit, and so on and so forth until I say, yea verily, better had those men died than have their descendants end up in this movie. And then it got to be my turn, and it was much of the suck.

AUDIENCE: "Sarmatia"?

TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: No! Not little Lancelot!

LITTLE LANCELOT [bravely]: How long will we be gone?

ROMANS: Fifteen years, bitch.

TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: *sniffle*

PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: Ride, little Lancelot! RIDE!!!!

TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: RIDE!!!!!

LITTLE LANCELOT: Dude, who are you? Like, my father, or something?

PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: I . . . uh . . . I didn't read that far into the script.

LITTLE LANCELOT: . . .

PROUD SARMATIAN GUY: . . .

TEARFUL SARMATIAN VILLAGERS: RIDE!!!!!


Some Hill in Britain, Fifteen Years Later

LANCELOT VOICEOVER: Oh, and some little girl gave me a lion amulet or something. I still don’t know who that kid was.

ARTHUR: There below is the bishop arriving from Rome that we're supposed to protect from bloodthirsty Woads who have started crossing Hadrian's Wall. He’s got our freedom papers, and we can’t leave Britain without them.

LANCELOT: So . . . let's just sit up on this hill and watch?

ARTHUR: Sounds like a plan.

Bishop Germanius and his Roman entourage show up, and, right on schedule, Woads attack. Arthur and his knights race down the hill to protect the bishop, now that they apparently feel like it.

A FRILLION WOADS: RAAAAAAA!

BISHOP IN THE CARRIAGE: *cowers*

ASSISTANT PRIEST UNDER THE CARRIAGE: *cries*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: STABNATION!

A FRILLION WOADS: *die*

ONE LAST WOAD: RAAAAAAAAAAA—

ARTHUR: *points his sword at him*

ONE LAST WOAD: —aaaaa.

ARTHUR: I KEEL YOU AT MY LEISURE.

ONE LAST WOAD [dropping sword]: Oooo, Excalibur, how fancy. Go on and kill me, big man.

ARTHUR: Okay, just for that? I'm not gonna kill you, smartass.

ONE LAST WOAD: . . .

ARTHUR: Pick it up.

ONE LAST WOAD: . . .

ARTHUR: PICK IT UP.

ONE LAST WOAD: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*

ARTHUR: *stares*

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*

ARTHUR: *stares*

LANCELOT: Dude . . . ?

ONE LAST WOAD: Seriously, dude . . . ?

ARTHUR: PICK IT UP, MOTHERFUCKER.

ONE LAST WOAD: *picks it up*


At the Carriage of the Bishop

THE BISHOP: *is dead*

ARTHUR: Hey, Germanius, what up?

ROMAN COMMANDER: ‘Sup.

LANCELOT: Nice.

ASSISTANT PRIEST UNDER THE CARRIAGE: *cries*


Hill of Character-Establishing Banter, Fortus Romanus

TRISTAN: I'm so glad to be back at our Roman fort, GALAHAD. Also, I have a hawk.

GAWAIN: You're so right, TRISTAN. It's going to be awesome being free.

DAGONET: You said it, GAWAIN!

LANCELOT: Man, I hope they keep their word, DAGONET.

ARTHUR: Why wouldn't they, LANCELOT?

LANCELOT: I dunno. Just a feeling I get, ARTHUR.

BORS: My cock is really big and I have twelve kids!

EVERYONE: . . .

LANCELOT: Eleven, Bors. You have eleven. And five of them are mine.

EVERYONE: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!


Roomus Arturius

ASSISTANT PRIEST: Wasn’t it nice of Arturius to give up his room?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Well, except for the part where we would have taken it if he hadn’t, but sure, I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Germanius starts going through Arthur’s stuff and finds a clay medallion of some Roman guy.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: That heretic Pelagius! *smashes it*

ASSISTANT PRIEST: What was that about?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Nothing, nothing, just a plot point.


The Round Table

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius, I am afraid your table is defective. Go find one that I can sit at the head of, plzkthnx.

ARTHUR: All men are born equal and free, and thus our table is round.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize that no one's really going to give a shit about the concept of universal freedom for another twelve, thirteen hundred years, right?

ARTHUR: . . .

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Oh, P.S., you're not free after all. You have to do one more mission, on which you will probably die, to save this one kid the Pope really likes.

ARTHUR: [Es ist nur Administratoren erlaubt, diesen Link zu sehen]

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Not like that. That we know of. Have fun breaking the news to your men!

ARTHUR: So. Help. Me. God. If you break. Your word. THIS TIME. I WILL KILL YOU DEAD.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You realize I totally have to break it now, right?

ARTHUR: SO DEAD.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Okay, okay, I won't! I won't!


Stable of Faith

ARTHUR: Dear God, please get our asses out of this, but if you can't, kill me and let everyone else get the hell out of here. Amen.

LANCELOT: You suck and your Romans suck and your God sucks.

ARTHUR: Look, man, I just do what they tell me.

LANCELOT: Whatever. Clearly I'm going to die in battle, and I'm really hoping it's not going to be this one, but when I die, don't bury me on this stinking island. Burn me and cast my ashes to the wind.

ARTHUR: Awww, dude! Look what you went and did!

LANCELOT: What?

ARTHUR: Now you're totally going to have to die, so we can dispose of your body in that precise manner. It's like, a rule.

LANCELOT: DAMMIT.


Sarmatio-Roman Courtyard of Boozing

BORS: Sing us a highly ironic song, Vanora!

VANORA:

Isn't it great that you get to go home,
Set free by those stingy bastards in Rome?
Over the hills and the mountains you'll go,
Except for the part where you won't get to, WOE.

ARTHUR: Uh . . . guys? We need to talk.

LANCELOT: Yeah, tell 'em, Arthur. Tell 'em how your Romans and your God suck.


Five Minutes Later

BORS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

GAWAIN: Aww, man!

TRISTAN: Eh. Not like I had anything better to do.

BORS: *throws things*

ARTHUR: Look. Rome. Has asked us. To do one. More. Thing. Besides, it’s not like you can do anything without your freedom papers.

LANCELOT: We don’t fight for Rome! We fight for YOU!

ARTHUR: Then I’M asking you.

LANCELOT: *sulks*

GALAHAD: Whatever. I fight for you, and I’m in.

GAWAIN: *sulks*

GALAHAD: And so’s Gawain.

GAWAIN: HEY!

DAGONET: I’ll bring Bors when he’s done smashing crockery.

(Somewhere in the background: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *SMASH!*)


Random Scene of Saxon Viciousness

SOME WOMAN: Aieee! Please stop raping me, Saxon guy!

CERDIC: *kills the Saxon guy*

SOME WOMAN: Oh, truly you are a merciful Saxo--

CERDIC: Have her killed too. Damn dirty Woads.

CYNRIC: Hey, ease up there, Swiss Miss.

CERDIC: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?

CYNRIC: I'm just saying, man . . . that's kinda harsh.

CERDIC: Bitch, please. You don't know harsh. I had to film that Exorcist prequel twice.

CYNRIC: Dude . . . that's hardcore.


Woading Woadton in the Woods

DELIVERY WOAD: Hey, I have a delivery here for a . . . Merlin?

MERLIN: That’s me.

DELIVERY WOAD: *throws a knife carved with runes into the dirt*

MERLIN [reading]: . . . Oh, shit, the Saxons are coming.

DELIVERY WOAD: *cough*

MERLIN: Oh, fine. *tips the Delivery Woad two arrowheads*

DELIVERY WOAD: Cheapskate.


Forest of Mystical Mist

ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that fog machine on up, boys!

AUDIENCE: Heh heh. She said “Fuqua.”

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can go that way*

ARTHUR AND KNIGHTS: *ride around in a panic*

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-WOADS: *shoot vines all across the forest so no one can move at all*

ARTHUR: Hi, can we help you or something?

WOADS: WE KEEL YOU!

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *blows mystical horn*

WOADS: . . .

SOME MYSTICAL GUY IN THE WOODS: *stares*

WOADS: . . .

ARTHUR: Uh, guys . . . ?

WOADS: *leave*

LANCELOT: . . . the hell was that all about?


Woading Woadton in the Woods

SOME ELDER WOAD: Why'd you stop them from killing Arthur? They had all the knights right there!

MERLIN: I just got this knife that says that a metric assload of Saxons are coming. We're gonna need those guys.

SOME ELDER WOAD: So . . . basically . . . that whole Spider-Woad thing was totally pointless.

MERLIN: That's about the way of it, yeah.


Villa Romana

RICH ROMAN GUY: Thank God you're here!

ARTHUR: Pack your asses up, we gots to jet.

RICH ROMAN GUY: But all our stuff is here--!

ARTHUR: Saxons: coming. You: leaving. Chop chop!

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: *are bricking up a wall*

ARTHUR: HEY! What the hell are you doing?

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: Nothing! Nothing!

ARTHUR: Dagonet!

DAGONET: *busts a stone wall down hardcore with, like, an axe*

ARTHUR: Hey, there’s a door under there.

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: It’s locked.

ARTHUR: Well, UNLOCK IT THEN.

TWO SCRAGGLY MONKS: From the inside.

ARTHUR: All right, now I’m really calling shenanigans. Dagonet!

DAGONET: *chops the door down like whoa*


Subterranean Torture Chamber

ARTHUR: Oh my God, I thought the Spanish Inquisition wasn’t gonna be for another thousand years.

FREAKY MONK: Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!

LANCELOT: *kills Freaky Monk* NO PYTHON QUOTES!

ARTHUR: Check for survivors! And YOU! What the hell is wrong with you?

CRAZY MONK: We had to save their pagan souls!

ARTHUR: By torturing and killing them?

LANCELOT: I TOLD YOU YOUR GOD SUCKS!

DAGONET: Hey, I just found the girliest kid ever over here!

THE GIRLIEST KID EVER: *luffs Dagonet*

TRISTAN: We got another one over here!

ARTHUR: Oh my God! Look how thin she is! They’ve been starving her to death!

GUINEVEIRA [rasping]: No, just . . . small-boned . . .

ARTHUR: *lifts Guineveira into his arms*

GUINEVEIRA: *swoons*

ARTHUR: We need water!

GUINEVEIRA: Hey baby, did you catch that swoon? I can do it again.


Villa Romana

CRAZY MONK: You can’t give her water! Pagans are undeserving of the Lord’s H2O!

ARTHUR: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR I CUT YOU.

CRAZY MONK: We were willing to die in there with them!

ARTHUR: Well, good for you. WALL ‘EM BACK UP!

CRAZY MONK: HEY!

RICH ROMAN GUY: Traitors! Heretics! Rome will send an army and then you’ll be sorry!

ARTHUR: Oh yeah? WE’RE IT, so—aww, hell, what are you freaks doing now?

SOME GUY: *is suspended from chains*

SERF GUY: Uh, Mr. Arturius, sir, the Rich Roman Guy hung him up there because he said that we should keep more of the harvest instead of selling all of it and going hungry.

ARTHUR: Cut him down!

SERFS: *gape*

ARTHUR: I SAID CUT HIM DOWN!

SERF GUY: The Romans don’t let us have sharp things.

ARTHUR: GAHHHH. *cuts Some Guy down* You’re all free! Free—

SAXON DRUMS: *thunder ominously*

ARTHUR: —to get the shit out of here. Damn, they’re close.

SERF GUY: Let me serve you! I want to fight!

ARTHUR: Shpfff. I’m not letting you have sharp things, either. You wanna serve? Pack everybody up, we’re movin’ out.

LANCELOT: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

TRISTAN: Dude, I don’t think we can make it with all of them.

ARTHUR: Tough shit. Move ‘em on out!


Flaming Villa Romana, Later That Day

CERDIC: How do you feel about betraying your people?

TRAITOR SERF: In that I’m not getting gutted and raped and burninated too? Pretty good, actually.

CERDIC: Touché. But you’re not betraying them enough, because they all escaped. Where’d they go?

TRAITOR SERF: Probably up the mountains to the lake . . . .? Oh, and I heard some Arthur guy is with them. Total badass, never lost a battle, walks on water, etc.

CERDIC: Hmph.


Scenes from a Traveling Caravan

GUINEVEIRA [clinging]: They tortured me . . . ! With machines . . . ! And then you came . . . ! And saved me . . . !

ARTHUR: Sure, whatever. Hey, lady, you got any athelas?

RICH ROMAN LADY: The hell . . . ?

ARTHUR: Do I have to do everything around here? Look, babe--they severely fucked up your fingers back there, and you're totally going to need them in about fifteen minutes, so I'm going to have to reset them or relocate them or something, okay?

GUINEVEIRA: . . .

GUINEVEIRA'S FINGER: *crrrrrack*

GUINEVEIRA: !!!!!

GUINEVEIRA'S OTHER FINGER: *crrrrrunch*

GUINEVEIRA: !@#$@#!#$!@!

ARTHUR: You okay?

GUINEVEIRA [weakly]: I'm Guinevere. You're Arthur. *passes out*

ARTHUR: Thanks for clearing that up, babe.

* * *

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, baby! Hey baby, you so fine, baby!

ARTHUR: *keeps riding*

GUINEVEIRA: I've heard lots of stories about you, about how you're a big strong killative man.

ARTHUR: *keeps riding*

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, can I borrow a cup of sex?

ARTHUR: *rides away*

GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.

* * *

TRISTAN: Hey, I still have a hawk.

* * *

Lancelot stumbles across the Roman lady bathing Guinevere in the wagon. In the snow. With the one transparent piece of fabric in the whole caravan draped across as a screen.

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Sir Sexalot! Join in or buzz off!

LANCELOT: *runs away*

GUINEVEIRA: WILL NO ONE HELP OUT A HORNY WOAD?


Forest of Mystical Mistiness

GUINEVEIRA puts on a cloak of harlot scarlet red and wanders into the woods, her eyes beckoning to Arthur. He follows her into the mists.

ARTHUR: Hey baby, you clean up pretty good.

MERLIN [stepping out of mist]: Hi.

ARTHUR: OMGWTF you betrayed me!

GUINEVEIRA: Look, I just went out for a walk. You're the one stalking my ass, pal.

MERLIN: So about these Saxons—

ARTHUR: Look, Papa Smurf, I’m a Roman and Romans hate Woads.

MERLIN: But the Saxons—

ARTHUR: WOADS KILLED MY MOTHER!

MERLIN: Oh, come on, now you’re just pulling things out of your ass.

ARTHUR: YOU KILLED HER!

MERLIN: Oh, yeah . . . yeah, I kinda did.


Flaming Flashback

Merlin’s Woads are burninating—yea, verily, even the thatched-roof cottages —and Arthur’s mother is shrieking. Arthur, who looks about eight years old going on five, runs to his father’s grave and heaves the sword sticking out of the burial mound amid great flashes of fire and importance.

ANTOINE FUQUA: *steals Ridley Scott’s Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo right out from under him*

Young Arthur is too late to save his mother and the whole place goes up in flames.

YOUNG ARTHUR: NOOOOOOO!!!


Forest of Mystical Mistiness

ARTHUR: . . . And the lambs NEVER STOPPED SCREAMING!

MERLIN: Arthur, your mother was a Briton like us. I mean, it kind of sucks that we killed her, too, but you see what I'm saying. You're one of us.

ARTHUR: Fuck you.

MERLIN: See? Right down to the Middle English swearwords. Your British mother's love saved you from Voldemort freed the sword! Not your father's hate!

ARTHUR: Really? Huh.

GUINEVEIRA: Wow, you got over that fast.


Campus Caravanus, Early the Next Morning

Rich Roman Guy grabs The Girliest Kid Ever and tries to stage a coup with his guards.

DAGONET: NOOOOOO! NOT THE GIRLIEST KID EVER!

GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Drop. That. Kid.

RICH ROMAN GUY: Weren’t your fingers, like, broken or something fifteen minutes ago?

GUINEVERE: *shoots him*

ROMAN GUARDS: AHHHHH! WE KEEL YOU!

Right on schedule, Arthur and the knights step out of the woods.

ARTHUR: Not unless you want some Dark Ages stabnation, you won’t.

LANCELOT: I have two swords!

ARTHUR: Now get back in the caravan.

ROMAN GUARDS: *shrug*

GUINEVEIRA: Hey, what were you guys doing out in the woods?

LANCELOT: . . .

GAWAIN: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

GUINEVEIRA: Fine, keep your little orgies to yourselves, be that way.

DAGONET [changing the subject]: Hey, where'd you learn to shoot like that?

GUINEVEIRA: Well, there was this really cute guy who wanted to be a pirate, and . . . look, it's a long story.


Back on the Road

ARTHUR: Hey, I'm sorry about the Woad chick killing your father and all.

ALECTO: Yeah, well, he sucked anyway. Except for the part about everyone being our slaves, he was right about that.

ARTHUR: No he wasn't.

ALECTO: Yuh-huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Yuh -huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Yuh -huh.

ARTHUR: Nuh-uh.

ALECTO: Hey, Rome says so too!

ARTHUR: Look, my mentor and father figure Pelagius back in Rome was all about how men are equal and free.

ALECTO: Dude, they excommunicated that guy and stoned him to death. Didn't you hear?

ARTHUR: OMGWTF.


Lake Badidea

SAXON DRUMS: *THUNDER!*

ARTHUR: Okay. Executive decision. The Saxons are just about up our ass. We have to cross this frozen lake.

TRISTAN: This is a bad idea, dude.

ARTHUR: Look, talk to me when those ghetto bangs of yours come up with a better idea.

TRISTAN: . . .

ARTHUR: . . .

TRISTAN: Everybody across the lake!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*

ARTHUR: Everyone out of the wagons and spread out!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*

ARTHUR: I SAID SPREAD OUT, DAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY EVERYTHING TWICE?

SAXON DRUMS: *pound ominously*

ARTHUR: Serf Guy, keep those peasants rollin’. We’ll stay here and fight off the Saxons. All seven of us.

GUINEVEIRA [appearing with bow]: Eight! I'll fight with you, even though my fingers were completely broken twenty minutes ago.

LANCELOT: Wow, you got over that fast.

GUINEVEIRA: Shut up, Lancehot. Hey, could someone get me some sleeves or something?

SERF GUY: The Romans wouldn't let us have sleeves.

GUINEVEIRA: DAMMIT.


The Saxons Approach

CYNRIC: See if they’re within shooting range.

THE SAXONS: *shoot*

THE ARROWS: *fall at the knights’ feet*

CYNRIC: So I guess they’re not, then.

THE KNIGHTS: *pick up their bows and take out a dozen Saxons*

GUINEVEIRA: Damn, yo.

LANCELOT: You know, there’s a lot of lonely men over there.

GUINEVEIRA: Don’t worry. Your ass is mine, candypants.


The Saxons: Still Approaching

ARTHUR: Shoot the flanks! Drive them to the middle!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrrrrrrrrack*

ARTHUR: SHOOT THEM HARDER!

GAWAIN: We’re shooting, we’re shooting!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrr-rrrrr-ack*

ARTHUR: Aw, hell, it’s not working!

FROZEN LAKE: *crrrack? *

DAGONET: *runs out and starts chopping the ice*

BORS: DAGONET, NOOOOOO!

DAGONET: *ARROWED!*

BORS: NOOOOOO!

FROZEN LAKE: *CRACK CRACK CRACKCRACKCRACK SPLOOOOSH! *

BORS AND ARTHUR: *race the breaking ice to drag Dagonet back to the shore*

THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: We drown! We freeze!

ARTHUR: Oh my one brave knight!

THE KNIGHTS: *sniffle*

THOUSANDS OF SAXONS: AHHHHHHH! HELP US!

CYNRIC: Oh my one brave ENTIRE ARMY!

BORS: And he only had eight days until retirement!

THE KNIGHTS: WAAAAAA!


Back at Fortus Romanus

Arthur and the knights successfully bring the rich kid, the peasants, and Dagonet’s dead body back to the fort.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Alecto! They totally didn’t get you killed! The Pope is going to be so happy!

RICH ROMAN LADY: Hands off the kid, freakshow.

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Arturius! Knights! I can’t believe you actually did it! Freedom papers for everyone! Look, I even kept my word despite previous foreshadowing! Love and light, everybody! Whee!

BORS: TELL THAT TO MY DEAD BROTHER, DIRTY SARDINIAN!

BISHOP GERMANIUS: You faced down a snillion Saxons with eight people and you're pissed that one of your guys got killed?

The Girliest Kid Ever runs and pulls Dagonet's ring off his cold, dead hand, because he loved him like whoa for the five minutes that he knew him.

ASSISTANT PRIEST: Uh, you guys? You need to come out here and see this.


Parapets, Fortus Romanus

A SCRILLION SAXONS: *are camped out on the lawn*

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Screw y’all, we out.

ARTHUR: WHAT?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: See, that’s what I was going to tell you. Rome ain’t so much the hotness anymore, so we’re basically giving up on the hinterlands.

BORS: So we spent FIFTEEN YEARS defending this hellhole for NOTHING?

BISHOP GERMANIUS: Pretty much, yeah.

LANCELOT: Yeah, sucks to be the assorted peasantry, let’s go.

ARTHUR: . . .

LANCELOT: Dude . . . ?

ARTHUR: I love you, man, but I’m staying here.

LANCELOT: OMGWTF!

Lancelot runs after Arthur in a huff. Guineveira runs down the parapet steps after them with the neck of her dress fallen down to her elbow.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: CUT, CUT! Wardrobe!

WARDROBE: What?

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: Glue the dress to her elbow. Just like that. OMG SO SEXY.

LANCELOT: Arthur! What the hell is wrong with you! We’ve been here fifteen years, and then they cheated us out of our papers, and then we finally got them back, and now you want to stay in this stinking foggy hellhole and help a bunch of plebes? ROME IS LEAVING AND SO SHOULD WE.

ARTHUR: Look, man. You take your little lion charm and go back to that little blonde girl in your village who may or may not have lived to grow up and I’ma stay here with the Woad chick and the peasants. They need me.

LANCELOT: I NEED YOU!

ARTHUR: *shrug*

LANCELOT [shouting after him]: I THOUGHT HOYAY! WOULD KEEP US TOGETHER!


Arthur's Room of Impending Sex Doom

GUINEVEIRA: No one knows what may happen tomorrow, so all we have is this moment.

ARTHUR: We have to trust in a beneficent God to--

GUINEVEIRA: Sex please.

ARTHUR: Yes ma'am.

GUINEVEIRA: *pulls up her skirt and pushes Arthur's hand under*

ARTHUR: Baby, I'm Clive Owen. I think I know where it is.

MOTHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: OMG this movie is so not PG-13!

DAUGHTERS IN THE AUDIENCE: SHUT UP, THIS IS THE GOOD PART.

SOMEONE IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *actually digs up a Celtic porno sax*

HANS ZIMMER: Hey! I had no idea Enya did a cover of "Love to Love You Baby"!

ARTHUR: Hey, I can’t get your dress off.

GUINEVEIRA: Yeah, Bruckheimer glued it to my elbow. Sorry about that.


Roman Procession of Copping Out

THE ROMANS: *leave*

THE PEASANTS: *leave*

THE KNIGHTS: *leave*

THE AUDIENCE: OMGWTF!

LANCELOT: *looks longingly back at Arthur*

TRISTAN [to hawk]: Go on, you’re free now.

HAWK: Does this mean you’re not going to feed me anymore?

Arthur stands at the top of the hill on horseback in full Roman regalia, even though technically he has renounced the Romans, and watches his knights leave. Bors turns his horse around and starts riding back to Arthur.

BORS: RAAAAAAAAA!

ARTHUR: RAAAAAAAAA!

BORS: *turns back around and rejoins caravan*

LANCELOT: And . . . that was about what, exactly?


Hillus Woadus

WOADS: *wait warily while war wells*

CERULEAN GUINEVEIRA: Hey, Brigid, touch up my back, wouldja?


Pointless Confrontation, Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: So who’s this one crazy bastard who stayed behind?

TRAITOR SERF: That Arthur guy.

CERDIC: Figures. Wave the white flag, I want to get a look at him.

ANTOINE FUQUA: Crank that bitch up to eleven!

ARTHUR: *is sort of silhouetted somewhere back there in all the billowing fog*

ANTOINE FUQUA: Okay, now I can’t see him at all. Crank it back down a notch.

ARTHUR: *rides out in a big misty hero shot*

ARTHUR’S HORSE: *is stampative*

ARTHUR: GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU LOUSY SAXONS!

CERDIC: Yeah, whatever. I keep hearing that you’re some god on earth, and guess what? You’re a guy on a horse.

ARTHUR: You cannot possibly conceive of a cause as noble as mine.

CERDIC: And that cause would be . . . ?

ARTHUR: MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS.

CERDIC: BRING. IT. ON.

ARTHUR: Yeah? Well, My Face Will Be The Last Thing Your Broke Saxon Ass Sees Before You Die, SO HELP ME GOD.

Cerdic watches Arthur storm heroically back to the fortus.

CERDIC: Damn. That man’s almost too studly to kill.


Caravanus Romanus

Lancelot looks at his lion charm.

LANCELOT: And it would mean something, if I had any idea who that girl was or if lions had been used anywhere else in this movie.

DAVID FRANZONI: Should we put something in about the horses being reincarnated Sarmatian warriors and stuff?

ANTOINE FUQUA: Did you use that in Gladiator?

DAVID FRANZONI: I don’t think . . . no, I didn’t.

ANTOINE FUQUA: You sure?

DAVID FRANZONI: Yeah, I’m sure.

ANTOINE FUQUA: I’m trusting you, man.

THE KNIGHTS’ HORSES: *start freaking out*

THE KNIGHTS: Whoa, whoa! Everybody simmer down!

THE HORSES: GET YOUR ASSES BACK THERE!

LANCELOT: What?

THE HORSES: FOR SHAME, BITCHES!

THE KNIGHTS: *hang their heads*

LANCELOT: Who’s got the party armor?

TRISTAN: I do, I do!

GALAHAD: Dude, where’d you get that helmet?

GAWAIN: Jacked it off a samurai, yo.


Hillus of Hotness

ARTHUR: Yay! I knew you would all come back!

The knights all line up on the hill so their armor can shine in the sun and their pretty, pretty banners can wave in the breeze.


Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: Dammit, you said there was only one crazy bastard left, and now there’s, like, six.

TRAITOR SERF: So now you only have nine sprillion nine hundred and ninety-four more men than he does, rather than nine sprillion nine hundred and ninety-nine.

CERDIC: Point taken. Oh, and I saved a tree for you.

TRAITOR SERF: Thanks, man.


Hillus of Hotness

ARTHUR: Home is not some broke-ass village in a land no one in the audience has never heard of! Home is inside each of us, and inside the COMPLETELY PLATONIC LOVE we feel for each other and this godforsaken rock. Now we all fight for a common cause!

LANCELOT: What's our common cause, again?

ARTHUR: Freedom! Britain! And the development of a feudal economy in which no one is actually free!

KNIGHTS: YAY!

TRISTAN: *pulls out his bow and shoots the Traitor Serf in the Traitor Tree from five miles away*


Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: OH, WHATEVER! YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE WAS UP THERE!


Hillus of Hotness

THE KNIGHTS: *point and laugh*


Lawnus Romanus

CERDIC: GAHHHHH. Cynric, send your men in first.

CYNRIC: Dude, they’re gonna get slaughtered! I mean, did you see that? That guy shot someone he didn’t even know was there!

CERDIC: *Saxon stink-eye*

CYNRIC: OH, COME ON!

CERDIC: TWICE. FOR TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTORS!

CYNRIC: Damn. We’re going, we’re going.


Inside the Fortus Romanus of DOOM

ANTOINE FUQUA: Aight, crank that bitch back up!

CYNRIC: Well, I see smoke, and fog, and fire, and not a damn soul here. Surely that’s not a bad sign at all. FORWARD!


Hillus Woadus

SMURFALICIOUS GUINEVEIRA: RELEASE THE ARROWS OF DEATH!


Inside the Fortus Romanus of DEATH

ARROWS: *rain down*

SAXONS: *panic and die*

THE KNIGHTS: *come through the fog and get their ride-by kill on*

CYNRIC: OMG THAT IS SO CHEATING!

THE KNIGHTS: *wash, rinse, behead, repeat*

CYNRIC: STOP THAT!


Lawnus Romanus

INSIDE THE FORTUS: *lots of screaming*

CERDIC: . . .

CERDIC'S CODPIECE: *is concerned*

THE FORTUS GATES: *open*

One wild-eyed guy stumbles out looking like he saw the ass-end of hell, and then falls over dead.

THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT: *plays Barber’s Adagio for Saxons*

CERDIC: Now it’s on, bitches.


Inside the Fortus Romanus of Foggy Death

ALL CYNRIC’S SAXONS: *are dead*

CERDIC: Cynric, you suck so much right now.

CYNRIC: ME? What’d I do?

BLUEBERRY MUFFIN GUINEVEIRA: RELEASE THE ARROWS OF FIRE!

THE BATTLEFIELD: *goes up in flames*

CERDIC: SO. MUCH.


Hillus Woadus

MERLIN: Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Guineveira and the Woadettes!

GUINEVEIRA: HOW Y’ALL FEEL?

WOADS: RAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

GUINEVEIRA: I SAID, HOW! Y’ALL! FEEEEEEL?

WOADS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

The Woads storm the battlefield. Guineveira and the Woadettes all jump on this one guy and start hacking him to pieces.

MERLIN: ROLL UP THE PARTY-SIZE CATAPULTS! RELEASE THE FLAMING OOZE!

FLAMING OOZE: *GOOOOSH!*

FLAMING SAXONS: AHHHHHHH!!!

ARTHUR: Dude! That’s my backyard! YOU’RE PAYING FOR THE RELANDSCAPING, BITCH!


Battlefield of Foggy Death

CYNRIC: *whales on Guineveira*

GUINEVEIRA: Ow! My thinness! *collapses*

LANCELOT: NOOOO!

Lancelot runs to Guineveira’s aid, only to get nailed in the heart by a crossbolt for his trouble. Slowly.


Somewhere Deep in the Scott Household, The Middle of the Night

RIDLEY SCOTT: Hey, who took my Dramatic Shaky Slo-Mo?


Battlefield of Foggy Death

AUDIENCE: OMGWTF!

GUINEVEIRA [slowly]: NOOO . . . OOO . . . OOO!

ARTHUR [slowly]: NOOO . . . OOO . . . OOO!

LANCELOT [looking down, slowly]: The . . . hell . . .? I THROW MY SWORD AT YOU, BIATCH!

CYNRIC: *dies*

LANCELOT: *thud*


Somewhere Else on the Battlefield of Foggy Death

TRISTAN: I KEEL YOU, CERDIC!

HAWK: Uh, that’s all you, man. *flies away*

ARTHUR: Tristan, NOOOOO! We've clearly established that only I can kill him!

CERDIC: *kills Tristan*

ARTHUR: AHHHHHH! EVERYBODY STOP DYING!

CERDIC: We meet at last.

ARTHUR: Again.

CERDIC: Shut up.

ARTHUR: *whales on Cerdic*

CERDIC: *whales on Arthur*

ARTHUR: *whales on Cerdic*

CERDIC: *whales on Arthur*

ARTHUR: *whales on Cerdic*

CERDIC: *whales on Arthur*

ARTHUR: *falls to his knees*

AUDIENCE: Well, damn. If they killed Lancelot, I guess anyone could die now.

LANCELOT FANGIRLS: He—he’s not dead! He’s just sleeping!

CERDIC: I KEEL YOU!

ARTHUR: Oh. No. Please don’t. Come any. Closer. Mr. Saxon.

CERDIC: I KEEL YOU CLOSER!

ARTHUR: *stabs backwards*

CERDIC: *thud*

ARTHUR: *hauls Cerdic up by the hair* Look at me! LOOK AT ME!

CERDIC: Damn, son, LET IT GO.

ARTHUR: LOOK UPON MY FACE AND KNOW THAT WE HAVE UTTERLY KICKED THE ASSES OF YOUR PEOPLE.

CERDIC: Shpfff, that’s what you think.

ARTHUR: AND THEN THERE WILL BE THE NORMAN CONQUEST.

CERDIC: GAHHHH! ACK! *dies*


Battlefield of Studly Death

Arthur and Guineveira split the Cradling the Dying Hero duties. The surviving knights gather round.

ARTHUR [weeping]: My brave knights, I have failed you! If only I had taught you the rules of movie death sooner! GOD! I SAID KILL ME! WHY, GOD, WHY???

GUINEVEIRA: Go in peace, Lancelot. We'll always have that one time you were stalking me.


Completely Foreshadowed Funeral

LANCELOT VOICEOVER: So . . . I died.

AUDIENCE: OMG THAT IS SO CHEATING!

LANCELOT: And they burned my body exactly the way I asked them to. And Tristan’s, so I hope that’s what he wanted.

HAWK: *cries*


Warrior Wedding Well-Attended by Woads


A bunch of Woads cordially request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their sort-of princess chick,

Guinevere

to

King Arthur

on Sunday, Four Hundred and Something A.D.,

at


Stonehenge-by-the-Sea, The Isle of Britannia

MERLIN: I now pronounce you King and Woad!

ARTHUR: Baby, now that I'm king, you can have all the sleeves you want.

GUINEVEIRA: YAY!

EVERYONE: *shoots flaming arrows into sea*

ARTHUR: Note to self: put more money into fireworks budget.

LANCELOT VOICEOVER: And so . . . I’m still dead. But hey, I got a pretty good new gig here in the afterlife, so whatever. Arthur and Guineveira got tons of work. Dagonet got himself a nice TV series about Rome, you know, after all the experience he'd racked up here. Galahad landed some fairy tale movie, and Gawain went on to raise Luke Skywalker. We're all kind of worried about Cerdic's Exorcist thing, but I'm sure he'll make out all right. I didn’t get to nail Guinevere like Lancelot usually gets to, but we will all live on forever as legends, or myths, or horses, or something.

BORS: Think about that the next time you go riding, ladies.

FIN.